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Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2 pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan
 

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Hey stupid, its me your old friend alcohol,didnt recognize me did ya, with your head the size of a watermellon and any sounds driving a knife through your brain. Last night you were a real piece of work. With my help you managed to once again say a lot of stuff you didnt mean and dont even remember. Your wife slammed the door and slept alone and your kids went to bed crying. Oh yeah the nieghbors who you offended at the barbecue will be ignoring you for awhile also. The funniest thing is your liver is swelling up even more these days and soon the damage will be irreversible.Of course that doesnt matter right now because after the policemen arrested you for DUI last night when you attempted to drive for some more beer, you resisted arrest and got a little road rash with your mace cocktail and felony DUI arrest. I got to say I think its soooo funny you will loose your license to drive and have to pay jacked up insurance rates after you get out.Oh I almost forgot and the fine,there goes the summer vacation. What really gets me laughing is your hooked and dont even know it.
Youve been buying my lie for so long youve become an expert at lying yourself and the biggest lie you tell every morning is to yourself,you know...."Ah Ive got it under control,I dont have a problem they do". I guess they didnt tell you that on those beer commericals at half time, man you were mine a long time ago.By the time you finally get a clue youll have lost your wife, any hope of a relationship with your kids and youll be living in a trailer park and riding a bicycle. Yeah but you got it under control..hugh! So if you hear this rattleing behind you and feel like its hard to walk dont be frightened its just your coffin. I usually have you drag it along with a chain for awhile until one day I put you in it. Death...nah you wont die from drinking...drink up...party on dude.. your in control.

Your Friend

Jack
 

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whoah leadflyer heavy stuff man. And what the hell is wrong with living in a trailer park?!!!!!! :lol: In all seriousness though, you're right. It ruins your life before you know it. I am a victim. I'm just lucky it didn't kill me too. :(
 

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If alcohol were discovered today it would be a controlled substance.
 

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Whoa! Easy there big fella. What's wrong with riding a bike? I ride 50 miles a week on mine (not because of booze though)
 
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